Favorite Steven Wright Quips

Steven Wright, Boston native and the master of dry humor, has a few things to say. Here are some of his best one-liners:

• Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 82.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left before we met.
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your breaks, so I made your horn louder."
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; the steal from many is research.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Comments

[Jana]

Steven Wright is very funny. Haven't heard much from him these days. I think he's close to 60 now.